Don't Wink At Me

Even been in a situation where you walk away convinced, I mean 100 percent certain, that the person you just spoke to is from another planet? Or is likely missing a good portion of their brain? Of course you have, and if you’ve ever online dated, this situation happens all the time. Without further ado, one of my all-time favorite “are you effing serious?!” online dating convos.

Meet Marge. She’s 27, college educated, employed and has a nice rack (couldn’t resist).

Last December, on our favorite site OKC, she was approached by Dan… a 31-year-old Aquarius from Minneapolis who says the first thing people usually notice about him is “my hair.. which is Mozart-like..or Beetoven or one of those guys.”:

This entire thread occurred in one day, between the hours of 6:02 am and 10:37am. Keep in mind, they are strangers. This is the FIRST time either has interacted with the other person. Would like to point out that Marge couldn’t keep herself from responding (even though many people would’ve stopped the correspondence earlier); she was just too damn frustrated. I’m with ya, Marge! I couldn’t have kept those messages hanging. So it begins…

Dan:
Dec. 17, 2009 – 6:02am love your pictures… youre a member of the elks club?

Marge:
Dec. 17, 2009 – 7:10am Of course! Like most young women these days, I am, in fact, a member of the Elk’s Club.

I like that your only picture is a polaroid? Scanned in? I think generally speaking, dudes tend to have less good photos to chose from. However, at least yours features your face rather than say…your abs or bicep.

Also – you’ve got Beet Oven hair?! Interesting….what exactly is a beet oven? Or was is Beethoven you were referencing? In which case: http://rexsy.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/Beethoven.143180205_std.jpg – stunning

DW@M note: Good start… his initial message is short, sweet and kinda funny. She responds with some light, witty banter… then points out that his photo is a scanned Polaroid, and he has a typo in his profile. I personally find this information helpful. Dan’s spirit, however, is shattered:

Dan:
Dec. 17, 2009 – 8:58am umm.. im just trying to be friendly. i dont put a huge empahsis on looks. .. just trying my best on here.. i am shorter than most guys and have some disadvantages..

DW@M note: Did he really just write, “I am shorter than some guys and have some disadvantages”?! Is anyone else here inexplicably picturing a short bus?

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:18am  Sorry! I was only trying to be funny…don’t be so sensitive. If I was completely uninterested I would not have written back at all!

Lighten up a bit … no harm meant. I wasn’t saying anything negative about the polaroid thing….only that it’s notable. And it is! Is that what it is? A scanned in polaroid? You don’t see that all that often in the world of digital cameras.

AND – can’t you take a joke?! That was a funny error you made writing BEETOVEN instead of beetHoven! It’s funny. Sheesh.

Dan
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:27am in my short time on here i had one or two girls really be mean to me for no reason.

i dont have a digital camera ..but maybe Santa will bring me one.

i will take a million to one shot and ask you.. i have a movie pass for a sneak preview tonight. It’s at eden Prairie mall.. the movie “It’s Complicated” with Meryl Streep, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. if by some miracle youd be interested in going, call me .. my number is 612 XXX 0554 (dont get texts– yeah, i know, thats worse than the polaroid..i’m behind the times).

i am very kind and totally a gentleman.. youd have a good time with me.. the movie is supposed to be very funny.

DW@M note: Decent recovery, Dan. The main problem here is that he’s asking Marge out on a date 2.5 hours after he’s initially messaged her. That’s a little quick, but in my opinion, much better than not having the balls to ask at all.

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:53am My Grandmother is on Facebook. She just recently sent me an email asking me to explain what it means on Facebook when someone’s relationship status is set to “It’s complicated” … that was hard to explain.

However, considering your apparent lack of technology – perhaps you have not really discovered the world of FB yourself and are unfamiliar with the “It’s complicated” relationship status yourself…anyhow…

Can’t do it tonight. Thanks for the invite – never hurts to ask. How’d you score sneak preview tickets?

DW@M note: This is a nice, normal response, right? “Thanks, but I have plans.” Dan is bummed:

Dan
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:58am I got the passes through work.. pretty much guessed you wouldnt go.. i bet if i was handsome youd go. oh well

btw , the reason i dont have texts is i was getting bugged by some client and my cell phone provider can only block the feature, not individual numbers.

by the way… just noticed The Jerk is one of your favorite movies.. it’s actually one of mine , too. And so you must be a big Steve Martin fan. So, tonight’s movie, to which i have a pass, is a sequel to the The Jerk (lying).. but seriously, it does star Steve Martin.. It would be cool to meet up for it.. maybe this will entice you.. there are often local celebs at these movie sneak previews. Didnt you always want to see Jeff Passolt in the flesh?

DW@M note: Did he really just say “i bet if i was handsome youd go”?

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:56am oooh….Do you think Robin Robinson will be there?

Truth: my night is not free tonight. More important truth: I can’t say for sure…but I might be hesitant to do a 1st date, blind date, movie – after only a couple (and misunderstood to boot!) OkCupid messages. Just being honest. But like I said…doesn’t hurt to ask.

So aside from not take digital photos…what DO you do for a living/for fun/whatever you’d like to tell me about.

Dan
Dec. 17, 2009 – 10:07am the channel 9 tv studio is right near the EP mall.. so its possible and also possible MN Viking players will be there as their headquarters is there.

i’ve met women before first time for a movie… its tough being rejected.. it gets exhausting.. i know im nice and fun, but you dont. i’m tired of jumping through hoops to have platonic female friends. you can choose to believe me.. but i asked a guy out on here platonically (not for the movie , but i may have to).. he said hed meet me sometime.

its tough during the holidays not to have an active social life..i thought for a change i had something nice to offer, so that even if i wasnt your cup of tea, youd still like the movie. theres only so much i can do..

i just get tired of being recjeted and i know if i was really hot you’d put aside any what i feel are silly concerns about weird guys and safety,etc.

DW@M note:Whoa there, buddy. Is he trying to guilt her into a date? And what’s with the asking a dude out for the movie via OKC? And since when is it impossible for someone to believe that you have plans later that day? But my favorite? That Marge would meet a total stranger for a blind date at a movie if he were HOT. As if potentially getting raped and murdered by a hot guy is somehow better than getting raped and murdered by a “short, disadvantaged” one. “Silly” concerns about safety? Have you picked up a newspaper lately, Dan? Puhleeze.

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 10:37am Man, you’re a tough one.

1. I’ve also met guys for the first time for a movie – not the best getting to know you environ…just sayin.

2. I wouldn’t exactly call this jumping through hoops.

3. Self loathing is pretty much THE most unattractive trait in a guy.

4. You’re right…I don’t know you’re nice and fun…and from what you’ve showed me, it seems you’re more unhappy and bummed out than nice and fun – (except that line about Jeff Passolt was pretty good, as well as the Elk’s Club reference)…you should keep up with the lighthearted stuff!

5. Despite everything…you can’t expect anyone to be available on the same day you request a ‘date’! I mean…even if it’s something that could be rescheduled you can’t expect me to drop what I’ve got going to go out with someone I’ve never met! Really! Think about it for a sec.

6. You do NOT know that if you were “hot” I would just throw safety and potentially severe awkwardness out the window because I’ve never met the person…

7. I went on a date with a guy who was 5′2″ on this site one time…and I never once took issue with your looks – you seem to be the one who thinks you’re not attractive.

DW@M: Well done, Marge! This is really where the story ends… he never wrote back, they never went out, and he’s still looking for a princess, prince, dog, cat (really anyone or anything), to accompany him and his Beet Oven hair to Eden Prairie Center.