Don't Wink At Me

In addition to “having fun” and “hanging out with friends,” a lot of online daters “enjoy traveling” and want to find that special someone to tag along. Are you looking for a travel partner too? Here are a few singles who might take you on a one way trip to Sexyville.

“Looking for the man to earn the black belt of my heart. Let me magically whisk you away to Japan….. Japan, Iowa.”

“Join the 238,857 mile high club with me. I’ll meet you at the heart-shaped series of craters I Photoshopped in myself.”

“I’ll see you in Hell, where the only thing hotter than the clubs are my obviously digitally enhanced breastesses.”

“Here I am, just hanging out in my wobbly Italian mansion, taking a break on the grand piano. No big deal.”

“Come with me to 1989, when I co-starred in Ghostbusters 2 as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy.”

Pack your bags and hop aboard the Love Plane!

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I’m Naked Under All These Clothes…

August 2nd, 2010 — 5:50pm

About six months ago, our friends at OkCupid published some astonishing findings regarding profile pic myths. Since they covered quite a bit, let’s just focus on one. Namely, the amount of skin that’s appropriate to show. It’s not hard to believe that guys tend to dig booby photos, but I’m pretty sure the majority of the population would believe ab pics a la “The Situation” tend to be a turn off for ladies.

Well, guess what? OKC discovered that’s not case. In fact, they found that skins (as long as they’re not too flabby) meet way more chicks than shirts. However, some dudes bare their bods  a bit much for this broad. Ahem…

I think this one is clenching my heart. Or has to fart.

Check out deez pythons…

…just thinking about it puts a smile on my face.

My question: Who or what is holding that camera? Because I’m pretty sure it’s his wang.

Where my Zubaz at?

Shazam! I actually love this guy.

The ultimate TMA (aka too much abs) photo. Mango, we salute you.

I’d love to say dating is all about personality. It is truly difficult to date someone whose personality you just don’t like, even if they look like Donald Draper or ScarJo.  But the physical attraction factor needs to be there. As my friend Erica once so eloquently put it: “If no part of you wants to rip their clothes off, it’s never going to work out.”

So I get wanting to pick a profile photo in which you look your best. Unfortunately, some people haven’t been able to get over the fact that their “best” happened over a decade ago:

All you really need to know to about this photo is that the woman in it says she is in her mid-30s. I don’t think I’m pushing it by saying this photo was most likely published in her high school yearbook. And even if it is current (which it simply can’t be), where is a full-fledged adult having photos like this taken in the 21st Century? Glamour Shots? Ha! Remember Glamour Shots….

…oh… hey…. um, so you do remember Glamour Shots. And if this photo (clearly taken in the early 90s) is the most accurate representation of how you look in 2010, I am a monkey’s uncle.

I spent an afternoon at Glamour Shots with my mom in 1994. We got our hair and face did like two-bit streetwalkers and posed for “awesome” photos. Sparkly, gold leather jackets, feather boas… you name a cheesy accessory, we donned it whilst smirking like sexy kittens (I’m sure it was inappropriate for a 14-year-old). And while the photos are so embarrassing (they even were at the time), it was a fun day. And what’s more is the fact that I have ridiculous photos of myself to treasure for a life time. Photos that shall remain in a drawer, hidden from view, not willingly posted on a dating site nearly two decades later.

If you suspect a photo was taken the same year Salt N Peppa teamed up with En Vogue for “Whatta Man,” chances are you’re right. And chances are the person meeting you for a blind date at TGI Fridays will bear little resemblance to the photo. That is, unless she’s still wearing that faux mink stole.

Just for fun, check out these amazing Glamour Shot photos. Is it getting hot in here?

My extremely funny friend, Mary, recently sent me this story about love, money, children, lies and eHarmony.

After two years and 20-some odd first dates (begat by the laws of fate and happy hour) I decided this summer to take a proactive stance towards dating by signing up for eHarmony.  One of the things that drew me to this particular site was it’s notoriety for participants seeking LONG TERM relationships, not just hook ups or casual dating.

Evidently, not everyone there saw it the same way.  Five months in to my six month trial membership I was matched with a man we’ll call “Rich.”  Rich’s profile struck me right away.  This six-foot-tall, 34-year-old who was spiritual (but not religious) and perhaps wanted more children proclaimed that he was passionate about finding love, that he already had enough money, and while his work was important to him, his life was lacking that spacial someone to share it with.  He had interests, hobbies, was well-read and seemed to have a sense of humor. WOW! I was shocked, where had he been hiding all along?????

What was even more shocking was that magical Rich, with his love for love and liaise fare attitude towards a trivial little thing like money, was that HE requested communication with me! Oh happy day! I answered his questions, he answered mine.  He sent me his must haves and can’t stands, I replied in turn. Finally, we had arrived at the blessed moment of open communication.  The place where hoop jumping stopped and intimacy began.  My first inquiry in this inner circle was with regard to his children.  I told him how lovely it had been to get to know him and how I looked forward to continuing the process and asked about his kids.  Boy’s? Girls? How many? How old?  To me, this seemed logical. Not only do I currently work with kids  I like them, I would like to have my own and at this stage of my life, I’m not entirely sure I wouldn’t want to date some one who already had some.  Still, after I sent the message I felt like maybe I was out of line. Does this guy really want to e-mail with me about his children? Is that too personal at this stage? It’s certainly not a huge turn on to chit-chat about little Suzie’s soccer game and Billy’s pre-school antics.

But, oh how very right I was to ask. Shortly there after I got a response from Rich:

” My son is 21.  My daughter is 17.”… As I began to do the mental gymnastics around the math, and started to wonder if he had previously lived in a state where 14 is considered adult, I stopped and read on. . .”The age I posted on my profile reflects the age that people generally perceive me as.  I am actually between 45 and 50.”

Mother F*%$#@!!!!!

Here’s what I would have to say to Rich (were I at any point able to refrain from expletive):
When it comes to love, some think age is just a number.  Others think dating within one’s own age bracket increases the chance that they will be able to connect due to shared experience.  Some think love trumps age, others think May-December relationships are creepy etc. But I’ll tell you one thing all these people can agree on, being lied to SUCKS.

I might have gone on a date with 49-year-old Rich.  I might have thrown away my preconceived notions about age and fallen madly and passionately in love with him to the point of gladly pushing around his wheelchair in a few decades when he is 70 and I am in my 40’s.  I might have, but I sure as shit won’t now.

As my friend Jordan said so eloquently last night, “Would you drink milk two weeks after the expiration date… even if it smelled okay?” Eff no! And Rich is certainly past his posted expiration date.  Take note, online daters: When fudge your age, post photos from high school (when you should be posting photos from your 10 year reunion), claim you’re 5′10″ when you’re 5′6″, the first thing your potential mate will know about you when you come clean (or they meet you in person and see you’re wholly unrecognizable face) is that you, my friend, are a liar.

Here’s a unsettling tale from my friend Jordan’s father. This woman puts the “dumb” in dumb-dumb-da-dumb (think “here comes the bride…”).

I’m married now (got married in 2006) but have an online dating story that I repeat with some consistency.

At the insistence of a friend I joined Match.com, wrote the profile, posted it, and like magic a very nice looking woman reached out for me.  After a phone conversation we decided to meet for drinks at the Four Seasons hotel in Los Angeles (I live in LA).  We agreed to meet at the end of the day.  New to online dating, I figured if things went well we could move right to dinner from drinks and possibly marriage. What could be better! She seemed very bright and we did manage to move to the dinner part. I felt a spark which seemed to be reciprocated.  How easy this dating thing was.

Halfway through dinner she told me that coincidentally she had been on a Match.com date with a guy she met at the Four Seasons six months prior to our dinner.  I asked her how it went and she said just fine up until when she awoke in his apartment (about four blocks from the hotel), in his bed, naked, with him sucking her toes and no memory of how she got there.  She went on to explain that he had slipped her a roofie during drinks and managed to get her back to his apartment where he performed his deed.  I asked her at what point did she call the Police and did they arrest him. She said she didn’t call the Police and actually went on to date him for another four or five months.

I excused myself  “to go to the men’s room” but secretly paid the bill and left the hotel. The good thing about LA is that you can say goodbye to creeps and never see them again.

I hate to say it (because I am a female), but some women and their lack of self-esteem is just out of control. Was she thinking, “Wow! Think of all the time and effort it took to facilitate my kidnapping and molestation! He had to obtain roofies and figure out a time to slip it in my drink (maybe when I was freshening up in the ladies’ room? Cayooot!). It’s not everyday you meet a man with not only a vision, but follow-through.  And I’ll bet it was soooo sweet when he threw me over his shoulder, marched out of the Four Seasons, and carried me to his boudoir. And he wasn’t even put-off by my bunions. Yes, I think I am in lurve.”

These are two obvious questions to pose, but I’m going to ask anyhow:  Why would you continue to date a pervert who drugged and took advantage of you? Next question, why would you tell a perfect stranger (who you possibly want to date) that you willingly dated a sex offender who basically raped you? Not appropriate.

Nothin is more off-putting then some one who can’t formulate sentince, uses rong grammer or cant spell a simpul werd.

I’ve received messages from guys, looked at their profile and have literally come to the conclusion that there might be a large percentage of cognitively-challenged individuals (read: politically correct for “retarded”) trying to meet people online. Now, this might be true. But it’s more likely that the man/woman behind that horibally misspelt profile is just a bad speller, lazy, or a mixture of the two (possibly with a Forest Gump streak to boot).

Take this profile from a MN guy (we’ll call him Todd) who recently messaged my friend, Maggie.

Self Summary:
I like sports and computer games. I enjoy dancing with the right person. Once you get to know me, you’ll find I’m a pretty nice guy.am a very nice man to get a long grate with to i like to go to the movie i love my bowling camping fishing and and haveing fun to.

The First Things People Typically Notice About Me:
I am a nice man! and down to earth. i treet women repect to.

My Favorite Books, Movies, Music and Food:
I don’t read a lot. I like action movies and Italian food. hot dog.s hamberger„s

Alright, everyone. Please file this bit of information somewhere: Did you know that you can spell check profile and messages? It’s true. A misspelled will show up underlined in red in most sites. You may consult a dictionary, Google, or click on a link that says “Check Spelling” or a button with an “ABC” followed with a “check mark.”  That is the first step in making sure you don’t look like a fool.

Next, and this is huge. Ask someone you trust to read over your profile. An extra pair of eyes will help you spot any mistakes… like the difference between “to” “two” and “too.” Or the difference between “great” and “grate.” Or the difference between “treat” and “treet.” Wait. Treet… yeah… that’s just not a word.

Scrapbooking, tap dance, mountain climbing– we all got hobbies. Cool thing about online dating? Type in a few keywords and you’re magically hooked up with people into the same weird shit that you are. For example, if you’re into LARP (live action role-playing games where the participants dress like and physically act out their characters’ actions… obviously, I wikipediaed it), you could get matched up with:

Into the whole Medieval thing? These two are. Maybe they should tear apart a roasted chicken with their bare hands (whilst sipping ale from the same stein) and see where it goes.

Wait! Wait! I think I’m getting the hang of this. How about matching these two fairies. Clap if you believe!

Okay, so this one might be a stretch, but wouldn’t you want to be a fly on the wall of this date?  Love is in the air… or in the tub!

Would like to mention that our friend in the bubble bath did say that yes, he’s in the tub. Yes, he’s wearing a motorcycle helmet. Yes, that’s toast with peanut butter and chocolate chips. Yes, he was high. And yes, he did eat it and it was good.

Sigh. I heart matchmaking.

You stumble upon an attractive photo. You click on it. The profile makes you chuckle, and you just may be smitten. You sit down to write your future luvah a message.

One of the most stressful aspects of online dating is that initial email. You don’t know your audience. You want to be clever, but it takes so long to piece together a witty, engaging note. There is no method that will get your messages responses 100 percent of the time, but I will tell you that keeping the following guidelines in mind will help.

1. Online d8ing iz nt a txt msg & u r not a tween. Write out full words and sentences. Spell things correctly. Check your punctuation. Careless mistakes make it seem like you don’t give a damn about making a good first impression. And I think you’d have to be really good looking for an educated person to not be slightly turned off by juvenile texting lingo.

2. Save the small talk for the salon. “Hey, how are you doing today? From, Scott” Um… are you willing to wait between five and infinity days for a response? Furthermore, would you be satisfied with receiving, “Fine,” as an answer? My guess is no, but that’s all you’re asking for. You can speak to someone who is in front of your face with these simple pleasantries, but it’s just not enough for an email to someone you might like to bang.

3. Talk about your positive qualities. Saying right off the bat that you’re divorced or have had bad luck in love or really need to start working out again is a terrible sales technique. These aren’t deal-breakers for everyone, but surely you have better things to offer a potential mate. Would you even bother looking at an apartment that boasted it has no parking or included utilities? Probably not. But maybe if you knew it had a pool, gym, ass-kicker of a kitchen and was within walking distance to your favorite watering hole, you wouldn’t notice– or even care– about the negatives.

4. Show you read their profile. Did the fact that they love Devo make your heart skip a beat? Tell them. Nothing sucks more than feeling like someone cut-and-paste a generic response.

Speaking of cut-and-paste responses, my friend Liz sent me this gem from our fave website, OkCupid. This man uses the word “tryst” in his username, eagerly discusses his career as a distributor of Hungarian porn (I am NOT joking… and even if he is joking, it’s just not appropriate), and asks women to cut-and-paste this message when attempting to entice him.

Oh, and clearly, he also thinks very highly of himself and probs has a closet full of douche capes a la Jon Gosselin.

Let the ridiculousness begin:

If you can’t come up with anything interesting to write… I’ve created a handy pre-built letter down below, for your convenience. Just know that you may, or may not, lose points depending on how you use it

Hi there in-tryst-ed (clever name, by the way),

My name is [your name], and I just have to tell you that I’m incredibly happy I came across your profile. You see, I’ve been searching far and wide for a handsome, cultured, funny, intellectual man, with nice teeth, great shoes, and a marathon tongue.

I had almost given up hope. But then, just when I thought there were no truly amazing men left in this world, I saw your profile. Thank you for being such a great guy.

I’d really like to meet you for drinks on a patio, a trip to a museum, an Omni theater show, or really any of the things you like to do. I just want to make you happy.

And maybe, after we go out on our fun adventure, we can get to know each other even better (wink-wink). Well, ok, let’s face it… you’re getting lucky. You sexy devil, you!

I’ll be waiting anxiously by my mailbox for your response!

Hugs and kisses (and more kisses),
[your name]

I like how in the first paragraph he’s basically saying: Alright, ladies. Let’s see what you got. I am a prize to be won! WTF? Hello guy, what do you bring to the table? Why should I want to date a Hungarian porn distributor?  I’m confused.

Ooooh, I see now. It’s because you have a clever username that conjures images of us meeting, probably for sex. And why wouldn’t I want to meet you and your “marathon tongue.” Not only good at oral sex, but classy and modest to boot! Yes, I will definitely leave in that part about you getting lucky… I hope you think I’m good enough to bang. Will be staring at my iPhone, waiting for your approval.

I wonder if this technique has worked for our humble tryst-loving friend. Maybe I will email him and find out.

When creating your online profile, your photo choice is of the utmost importance. Things you should aim to accomplish with said photo include, but are not limited to:

1. Showing potential mates what your face looks like (a current shot, not from a few years ago when you had a tan/weighed 20 pounds less)

2. A clothed (yes, that means wearing both a shirt and pants. A dress is acceptable if you are a female), full body shot that gives potential mates an idea of what your body looks like

3. Maybe a photo that shows you doing something you love– traveling, hiking, cooking dinner… something respectable.

I know some of us learn better by example. Here is an example of a single, Miami man who has it all wrong.

First of all, he’s completely opted out of the standard face shot for this:

Where do I even start?

Exhibit A: Your room is filthy. And apparently belongs to a woman. Pink sheets, perfume bottles, a pink camera. If you’re going to take a photo of yourself in the mirror, make sure your surroundings are at least tidy. Because at this point, all potential mates know is that you’re extremely messy, can’t hang a painting straight and…

Exhibit B: …are a male stripper. For some reason, many men who venture into the world of online love have yet to learn that women DO NOT respond well to lots of skin in photos. We are not like men in that way. At all. This makes you look like a creep and only a creep.

Exhibit C: What’s with the washer and dryer all boxed up in the corner? I guess if you’re wearing a thong all the time, the majority of your warshing can be done in the bathroom sink with a splash of Woolite. Speaking of bathrooms….

Exhibit D:  DO NOT, under any circumstances, take a photo of yourself in the bathroom with your camera (or worse, cell phone). The quality is junk and you always end up looking like a cocky douchebag (even if you’re not). Additionally, it makes a gal wonder, Does he not have friends? Can’t someone help him? And why is your bathroom so gross?!

Props to our friend Mango here who can teach us all a lesson. Banana hammocks should stay on the beach… in Europe. Not as an advertisement to Amerka that you’re single and ready for love.