Don't Wink At Me

Our hilarious and intelligent friends at OkCupid have been doing a little research on profile photos. Specifically, what works and what doesn’t. You’ll probably be as surprised as they were (and I am) at the kinds of things that online singles nibble on (pun intended, I guess).

Apparently if you’re a man who has nice abs, you ought to show ‘em off. If you’re a chick, “MySpace” the eff out of your profile photo. Personally, I think both types of photos are utterly lame (OKC seems to be in agreement with me). But let’s not all start ripping our shirts off, gentleman (and ladies, no need to perfect your coy, self-snapped photo look). According to their research, these types of photos tend to equal more messages. Does more messages mean “meeting” more quality people? Results inconclusive.

So what do you think? Does the Myspace female photo do it for you? What about a headless horseman shot (think guy with nice abs who has cropped his head out of the photo)?

I’m not sure what’s more disturbing: this man’s profile photo…

… or the fact that we’re apparently an 87 percent match.

The photo is real. Right? Or is it Photoshop job? Either way, it’s shocking, disturbing… yet totally compelling.

But wait! There’s more! If you were to click here, you may or may not end up at this man’s profile. And if you peruse that page, you may or may not notice that this man REALLY loves children. He also gets cold sores.

Um, okay. So obviously this is a fake profile….right? But wait. There’s more.

Our funeral crashing casanova links to his blog. If you click here, you may or may not end up at The Age of Rayloridan.  If you peruse that site, you will see Raylord (his nombre according to el blog) is desperately searching for love. From the man’s mouth…er…hands:

I’ve had an account with OKcupid for about a year now and I have experienced absolutely no success with either sex.  I’ve been scrutinized, labeled a pedophile,  accused of a making a false profile, but most alarming, is that I have been unsuccessful in getting a social coupon for free sex.  This is alarming to me because I’ve seen commercials and T.V. plugs swearing by the success of such sites.  You know the ones where you see happy couples conveying the utmost gratitude toward these social engines for uniting them and getting them laid.  Again, I’ve been at it for a year and with no avail.

He delves into his online dating experiences (or lack there of), perplexed as to why he can’t get a date.

So I leave it up to you D;)@Mers: Is Raylord real, and what dating advice would you like to send his way?

Personally, I think his profile is about as real as Pam Anderson’s tittays. But if it’s indeed real, I’d crop the crap out of the photos and/or start looking for a Maude to his Harold immediately.

My friend Liz is endlessly disenchanted by the Midwestern man’s profile photo. Why do you ask? Because it seems a large majority of them aren’t looking for a girlfriend, they’re lookin’ fer a huntin’ buddy.

Exhibit A:

Okay, I am so fine with hunting. If you want to go out and get yourself a buck or a turkey, I am fine with that. But do I need to see a photo of you with a dead bear carcass, hemorrhaging from the mouth? I don’t know whether to cry, barf or see what this guy’s got going on this weekend.

Exhibit B:

Is that cupid’s arrow lodged in the chest of that 8-pointer? Hubba hubba.

Exhibit C:

Ah, the classic fish photo. I would say upwards of 60 percent of men in Minnesota have one of these posted in their profile. I actually love fishing (drinkin beer and shootin the breeze… what’s not to love?). But if you’re going the fish photo option, I really hope you have also chosen to post a pic or two with you in regular clothes, not wearing a hat and sunglasses and without a fish in front of your chest. Because while a few ladies will be impressed at that northern you slayed last year at the lake, most are more interested in you than your trophy.

Exhibit D:

Eeeeeeeek!

Exhibit E:

Mashed potatoes, stuffing and cranberry sauce comin’ up!

Exhibit F:

Now here’s an odd breed: The tractor guy. I had no idea there were so many of these guys plowing the online love fields, but I’ve stumbled upon a ton of them. Maybe it’s just because I’m a city girl, but I don’t get the appeal (and I even did like that Kenny Chesney song). And even if I did get the appeal, I still am more interested in dating a man than I am a tractor…. so for God’s sake, get out of the damn thing before you take the photo.

Exhibit F, Part B:

Anyhow, this is the epidemic us ladies are facing in the Midwest. I wonder:  what sorts of photos are running rampant in other parts of the country? And guys, what photos do you wish the ladies would just get over already?

Even been in a situation where you walk away convinced, I mean 100 percent certain, that the person you just spoke to is from another planet? Or is likely missing a good portion of their brain? Of course you have, and if you’ve ever online dated, this situation happens all the time. Without further ado, one of my all-time favorite “are you effing serious?!” online dating convos.

Meet Marge. She’s 27, college educated, employed and has a nice rack (couldn’t resist).

Last December, on our favorite site OKC, she was approached by Dan… a 31-year-old Aquarius from Minneapolis who says the first thing people usually notice about him is “my hair.. which is Mozart-like..or Beetoven or one of those guys.”:

This entire thread occurred in one day, between the hours of 6:02 am and 10:37am. Keep in mind, they are strangers. This is the FIRST time either has interacted with the other person. Would like to point out that Marge couldn’t keep herself from responding (even though many people would’ve stopped the correspondence earlier); she was just too damn frustrated. I’m with ya, Marge! I couldn’t have kept those messages hanging. So it begins…

Dan:
Dec. 17, 2009 – 6:02am love your pictures… youre a member of the elks club?

Marge:
Dec. 17, 2009 – 7:10am Of course! Like most young women these days, I am, in fact, a member of the Elk’s Club.

I like that your only picture is a polaroid? Scanned in? I think generally speaking, dudes tend to have less good photos to chose from. However, at least yours features your face rather than say…your abs or bicep.

Also – you’ve got Beet Oven hair?! Interesting….what exactly is a beet oven? Or was is Beethoven you were referencing? In which case: http://rexsy.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/Beethoven.143180205_std.jpg – stunning

DW@M note: Good start… his initial message is short, sweet and kinda funny. She responds with some light, witty banter… then points out that his photo is a scanned Polaroid, and he has a typo in his profile. I personally find this information helpful. Dan’s spirit, however, is shattered:

Dan:
Dec. 17, 2009 – 8:58am umm.. im just trying to be friendly. i dont put a huge empahsis on looks. .. just trying my best on here.. i am shorter than most guys and have some disadvantages..

DW@M note: Did he really just write, “I am shorter than some guys and have some disadvantages”?! Is anyone else here inexplicably picturing a short bus?

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:18am  Sorry! I was only trying to be funny…don’t be so sensitive. If I was completely uninterested I would not have written back at all!

Lighten up a bit … no harm meant. I wasn’t saying anything negative about the polaroid thing….only that it’s notable. And it is! Is that what it is? A scanned in polaroid? You don’t see that all that often in the world of digital cameras.

AND – can’t you take a joke?! That was a funny error you made writing BEETOVEN instead of beetHoven! It’s funny. Sheesh.

Dan
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:27am in my short time on here i had one or two girls really be mean to me for no reason.

i dont have a digital camera ..but maybe Santa will bring me one.

i will take a million to one shot and ask you.. i have a movie pass for a sneak preview tonight. It’s at eden Prairie mall.. the movie “It’s Complicated” with Meryl Streep, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. if by some miracle youd be interested in going, call me .. my number is 612 XXX 0554 (dont get texts– yeah, i know, thats worse than the polaroid..i’m behind the times).

i am very kind and totally a gentleman.. youd have a good time with me.. the movie is supposed to be very funny.

DW@M note: Decent recovery, Dan. The main problem here is that he’s asking Marge out on a date 2.5 hours after he’s initially messaged her. That’s a little quick, but in my opinion, much better than not having the balls to ask at all.

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:53am My Grandmother is on Facebook. She just recently sent me an email asking me to explain what it means on Facebook when someone’s relationship status is set to “It’s complicated” … that was hard to explain.

However, considering your apparent lack of technology – perhaps you have not really discovered the world of FB yourself and are unfamiliar with the “It’s complicated” relationship status yourself…anyhow…

Can’t do it tonight. Thanks for the invite – never hurts to ask. How’d you score sneak preview tickets?

DW@M note: This is a nice, normal response, right? “Thanks, but I have plans.” Dan is bummed:

Dan
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:58am I got the passes through work.. pretty much guessed you wouldnt go.. i bet if i was handsome youd go. oh well

btw , the reason i dont have texts is i was getting bugged by some client and my cell phone provider can only block the feature, not individual numbers.

by the way… just noticed The Jerk is one of your favorite movies.. it’s actually one of mine , too. And so you must be a big Steve Martin fan. So, tonight’s movie, to which i have a pass, is a sequel to the The Jerk (lying).. but seriously, it does star Steve Martin.. It would be cool to meet up for it.. maybe this will entice you.. there are often local celebs at these movie sneak previews. Didnt you always want to see Jeff Passolt in the flesh?

DW@M note: Did he really just say “i bet if i was handsome youd go”?

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:56am oooh….Do you think Robin Robinson will be there?

Truth: my night is not free tonight. More important truth: I can’t say for sure…but I might be hesitant to do a 1st date, blind date, movie – after only a couple (and misunderstood to boot!) OkCupid messages. Just being honest. But like I said…doesn’t hurt to ask.

So aside from not take digital photos…what DO you do for a living/for fun/whatever you’d like to tell me about.

Dan
Dec. 17, 2009 – 10:07am the channel 9 tv studio is right near the EP mall.. so its possible and also possible MN Viking players will be there as their headquarters is there.

i’ve met women before first time for a movie… its tough being rejected.. it gets exhausting.. i know im nice and fun, but you dont. i’m tired of jumping through hoops to have platonic female friends. you can choose to believe me.. but i asked a guy out on here platonically (not for the movie , but i may have to).. he said hed meet me sometime.

its tough during the holidays not to have an active social life..i thought for a change i had something nice to offer, so that even if i wasnt your cup of tea, youd still like the movie. theres only so much i can do..

i just get tired of being recjeted and i know if i was really hot you’d put aside any what i feel are silly concerns about weird guys and safety,etc.

DW@M note:Whoa there, buddy. Is he trying to guilt her into a date? And what’s with the asking a dude out for the movie via OKC? And since when is it impossible for someone to believe that you have plans later that day? But my favorite? That Marge would meet a total stranger for a blind date at a movie if he were HOT. As if potentially getting raped and murdered by a hot guy is somehow better than getting raped and murdered by a “short, disadvantaged” one. “Silly” concerns about safety? Have you picked up a newspaper lately, Dan? Puhleeze.

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 10:37am Man, you’re a tough one.

1. I’ve also met guys for the first time for a movie – not the best getting to know you environ…just sayin.

2. I wouldn’t exactly call this jumping through hoops.

3. Self loathing is pretty much THE most unattractive trait in a guy.

4. You’re right…I don’t know you’re nice and fun…and from what you’ve showed me, it seems you’re more unhappy and bummed out than nice and fun – (except that line about Jeff Passolt was pretty good, as well as the Elk’s Club reference)…you should keep up with the lighthearted stuff!

5. Despite everything…you can’t expect anyone to be available on the same day you request a ‘date’! I mean…even if it’s something that could be rescheduled you can’t expect me to drop what I’ve got going to go out with someone I’ve never met! Really! Think about it for a sec.

6. You do NOT know that if you were “hot” I would just throw safety and potentially severe awkwardness out the window because I’ve never met the person…

7. I went on a date with a guy who was 5′2″ on this site one time…and I never once took issue with your looks – you seem to be the one who thinks you’re not attractive.

DW@M: Well done, Marge! This is really where the story ends… he never wrote back, they never went out, and he’s still looking for a princess, prince, dog, cat (really anyone or anything), to accompany him and his Beet Oven hair to Eden Prairie Center.

I’d love to say dating is all about personality. It is truly difficult to date someone whose personality you just don’t like, even if they look like Donald Draper or ScarJo.  But the physical attraction factor needs to be there. As my friend Erica once so eloquently put it: “If no part of you wants to rip their clothes off, it’s never going to work out.”

So I get wanting to pick a profile photo in which you look your best. Unfortunately, some people haven’t been able to get over the fact that their “best” happened over a decade ago:

All you really need to know to about this photo is that the woman in it says she is in her mid-30s. I don’t think I’m pushing it by saying this photo was most likely published in her high school yearbook. And even if it is current (which it simply can’t be), where is a full-fledged adult having photos like this taken in the 21st Century? Glamour Shots? Ha! Remember Glamour Shots….

…oh… hey…. um, so you do remember Glamour Shots. And if this photo (clearly taken in the early 90s) is the most accurate representation of how you look in 2010, I am a monkey’s uncle.

I spent an afternoon at Glamour Shots with my mom in 1994. We got our hair and face did like two-bit streetwalkers and posed for “awesome” photos. Sparkly, gold leather jackets, feather boas… you name a cheesy accessory, we donned it whilst smirking like sexy kittens (I’m sure it was inappropriate for a 14-year-old). And while the photos are so embarrassing (they even were at the time), it was a fun day. And what’s more is the fact that I have ridiculous photos of myself to treasure for a life time. Photos that shall remain in a drawer, hidden from view, not willingly posted on a dating site nearly two decades later.

If you suspect a photo was taken the same year Salt N Peppa teamed up with En Vogue for “Whatta Man,” chances are you’re right. And chances are the person meeting you for a blind date at TGI Fridays will bear little resemblance to the photo. That is, unless she’s still wearing that faux mink stole.

Just for fun, check out these amazing Glamour Shot photos. Is it getting hot in here?

My extremely funny friend, Mary, recently sent me this story about love, money, children, lies and eHarmony.

After two years and 20-some odd first dates (begat by the laws of fate and happy hour) I decided this summer to take a proactive stance towards dating by signing up for eHarmony.  One of the things that drew me to this particular site was it’s notoriety for participants seeking LONG TERM relationships, not just hook ups or casual dating.

Evidently, not everyone there saw it the same way.  Five months in to my six month trial membership I was matched with a man we’ll call “Rich.”  Rich’s profile struck me right away.  This six-foot-tall, 34-year-old who was spiritual (but not religious) and perhaps wanted more children proclaimed that he was passionate about finding love, that he already had enough money, and while his work was important to him, his life was lacking that spacial someone to share it with.  He had interests, hobbies, was well-read and seemed to have a sense of humor. WOW! I was shocked, where had he been hiding all along?????

What was even more shocking was that magical Rich, with his love for love and liaise fare attitude towards a trivial little thing like money, was that HE requested communication with me! Oh happy day! I answered his questions, he answered mine.  He sent me his must haves and can’t stands, I replied in turn. Finally, we had arrived at the blessed moment of open communication.  The place where hoop jumping stopped and intimacy began.  My first inquiry in this inner circle was with regard to his children.  I told him how lovely it had been to get to know him and how I looked forward to continuing the process and asked about his kids.  Boy’s? Girls? How many? How old?  To me, this seemed logical. Not only do I currently work with kids  I like them, I would like to have my own and at this stage of my life, I’m not entirely sure I wouldn’t want to date some one who already had some.  Still, after I sent the message I felt like maybe I was out of line. Does this guy really want to e-mail with me about his children? Is that too personal at this stage? It’s certainly not a huge turn on to chit-chat about little Suzie’s soccer game and Billy’s pre-school antics.

But, oh how very right I was to ask. Shortly there after I got a response from Rich:

” My son is 21.  My daughter is 17.”… As I began to do the mental gymnastics around the math, and started to wonder if he had previously lived in a state where 14 is considered adult, I stopped and read on. . .”The age I posted on my profile reflects the age that people generally perceive me as.  I am actually between 45 and 50.”

Mother F*%$#@!!!!!

Here’s what I would have to say to Rich (were I at any point able to refrain from expletive):
When it comes to love, some think age is just a number.  Others think dating within one’s own age bracket increases the chance that they will be able to connect due to shared experience.  Some think love trumps age, others think May-December relationships are creepy etc. But I’ll tell you one thing all these people can agree on, being lied to SUCKS.

I might have gone on a date with 49-year-old Rich.  I might have thrown away my preconceived notions about age and fallen madly and passionately in love with him to the point of gladly pushing around his wheelchair in a few decades when he is 70 and I am in my 40’s.  I might have, but I sure as shit won’t now.

As my friend Jordan said so eloquently last night, “Would you drink milk two weeks after the expiration date… even if it smelled okay?” Eff no! And Rich is certainly past his posted expiration date.  Take note, online daters: When fudge your age, post photos from high school (when you should be posting photos from your 10 year reunion), claim you’re 5′10″ when you’re 5′6″, the first thing your potential mate will know about you when you come clean (or they meet you in person and see you’re wholly unrecognizable face) is that you, my friend, are a liar.

No, I’m not talking that amazing song from English Beat. I’m talking the unfortunate profile photo choice of many an online single: self-portrait in bathroom mirror (or sometimes a filthy bedroom). It makes you wonder a few key things…

A) Do you not have any photos taken of you by other people? Like on a family vacation? Or a friend’s wedding? Bueller? Bueller? Frye? Frye?

B) So maybe you do have photos of yourself, taken by others. Are you meaning to tell me that a self-portrait in the mirror of your grandma’s bathroom is still the best you got? Bummer.

C) Does taking a photo of yourself in a mirror require so much concentration that you cannot summon the strength to look up or smile?

For instance:

No smile, no eye contact. And I know you have a better outfit in your closet.

This one at least mustered a smirk.

Props for the smile, but minus points for the crap all over the bed. Oh, and the one-finger salute.

McGym.

No extra points awarded for artsy composition. Sorry.

I love the smoky treat multi-tasking, but REALLY love the fact that it appears he’s surprised himself with a photo.

This one at least looks like she’s trying (and the bathroom is very spa-ish!). Just curious about where she hid the camera.

The towels? The picture? Um, the other thing hanging on that towel rack? I hope that’s not your place.

Dr. Giggles?

Diggin’ the shirt. ediR eroM enO, baby!

The cocked eyebrow. Very 007.

Jagabombz

I heart the marlin.

You know what’s funny? Sorting through these photos (seriously, why is everyone concentrating so friggin’ hard? Can you not press a button, look up and smile all at the same time?) made me realize that our friend Banana Hammock is actually quite talented in the art of self-portrait. You go, Mango!

It’s scientifically proven that people with profile photos are 110 percent more likely to get messaged, dated, kissed, whatever (okay, I made that stat up, but you get the point). If someone isn’t posting their pic, it’s a sign they’re A) embarrassed to be online dating B) a real woofer C) have something to hide. All three are big problems. My friend Michael did some investigatory journalism in gayville (or geighville, as he likes to say). Yet another example as to why no photo = red flag.

From the mouth of Michael himself:

So, you know those iPhone commercials? The ones with “there’s an app for that?” It’s true. There’s even an app exclusively for the geighs solely based on hooking up. Like Manhunt on the go. It’s called Grindr.  Basically, it pinpoints your location and shows you the other geighs in your immediate vicinity. You get one picture, a headline, a quick bio and some stats. If you like what you see, you can chat with the dude. It’s quick and to the point.

It’s also annoying.

Saturday night, I was at a house party (yeah, I know…don’t judge). A dude with no picture (WARNING NUMBER ONE) started chatting with me. His chat was this (paraphrasing here):

Down-Low: Hey, sorry to cut to the chase but you looking?
Me: Um, not without a picture.
DL: I don’t do pictures. But I’m very good looking.
Me: Doesn’t everyone say they’re good looking?

Ok, first warning. No picture? You’ve got something to hide. Either you’re not out at work or something else is going down. And, I’m sorry you’re really good looking? I bet Janet Reno would say the same thing. And we all know The Situation thinks he is…so no points there.  Anyway, going on.

DL: Where are you?
Me: Milwaukee
DL: Want company?

This guy was serious and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t intrigued.

Me: I’m at a friends, so I’d have to visit you if we hang out.
DL: Can’t have company.
Me: Shame.

Hmmm—no picture and can’t have company.

DL: Yeah.

WAIT A MINUTE–LIGHT BULB!

Me: OMG, you’re married.
DL: I don’t like to text a lot.
Me: That’s a yes.
DL: Bye.
Me: Get back at me when you’re not married.

Dude was using Grindr on the downlow–thus no picture and thus no company!

Just another thing to think about when someone trying to chat you up sans photo. They could be married. And gay, too! Both separately are 100 percent fine. The two combined plus trying to hook-up with randos? Big problem. Huge. The lesson: No pic, no you-know-what.

Scrapbooking, tap dance, mountain climbing– we all got hobbies. Cool thing about online dating? Type in a few keywords and you’re magically hooked up with people into the same weird shit that you are. For example, if you’re into LARP (live action role-playing games where the participants dress like and physically act out their characters’ actions… obviously, I wikipediaed it), you could get matched up with:

Into the whole Medieval thing? These two are. Maybe they should tear apart a roasted chicken with their bare hands (whilst sipping ale from the same stein) and see where it goes.

Wait! Wait! I think I’m getting the hang of this. How about matching these two fairies. Clap if you believe!

Okay, so this one might be a stretch, but wouldn’t you want to be a fly on the wall of this date?  Love is in the air… or in the tub!

Would like to mention that our friend in the bubble bath did say that yes, he’s in the tub. Yes, he’s wearing a motorcycle helmet. Yes, that’s toast with peanut butter and chocolate chips. Yes, he was high. And yes, he did eat it and it was good.

Sigh. I heart matchmaking.