Don't Wink At Me

I’d love to say dating is all about personality. It is truly difficult to date someone whose personality you just don’t like, even if they look like Donald Draper or ScarJo.  But the physical attraction factor needs to be there. As my friend Erica once so eloquently put it: “If no part of you wants to rip their clothes off, it’s never going to work out.”

So I get wanting to pick a profile photo in which you look your best. Unfortunately, some people haven’t been able to get over the fact that their “best” happened over a decade ago:

All you really need to know to about this photo is that the woman in it says she is in her mid-30s. I don’t think I’m pushing it by saying this photo was most likely published in her high school yearbook. And even if it is current (which it simply can’t be), where is a full-fledged adult having photos like this taken in the 21st Century? Glamour Shots? Ha! Remember Glamour Shots….

…oh… hey…. um, so you do remember Glamour Shots. And if this photo (clearly taken in the early 90s) is the most accurate representation of how you look in 2010, I am a monkey’s uncle.

I spent an afternoon at Glamour Shots with my mom in 1994. We got our hair and face did like two-bit streetwalkers and posed for “awesome” photos. Sparkly, gold leather jackets, feather boas… you name a cheesy accessory, we donned it whilst smirking like sexy kittens (I’m sure it was inappropriate for a 14-year-old). And while the photos are so embarrassing (they even were at the time), it was a fun day. And what’s more is the fact that I have ridiculous photos of myself to treasure for a life time. Photos that shall remain in a drawer, hidden from view, not willingly posted on a dating site nearly two decades later.

If you suspect a photo was taken the same year Salt N Peppa teamed up with En Vogue for “Whatta Man,” chances are you’re right. And chances are the person meeting you for a blind date at TGI Fridays will bear little resemblance to the photo. That is, unless she’s still wearing that faux mink stole.

Just for fun, check out these amazing Glamour Shot photos. Is it getting hot in here?

My extremely funny friend, Mary, recently sent me this story about love, money, children, lies and eHarmony.

After two years and 20-some odd first dates (begat by the laws of fate and happy hour) I decided this summer to take a proactive stance towards dating by signing up for eHarmony.  One of the things that drew me to this particular site was it’s notoriety for participants seeking LONG TERM relationships, not just hook ups or casual dating.

Evidently, not everyone there saw it the same way.  Five months in to my six month trial membership I was matched with a man we’ll call “Rich.”  Rich’s profile struck me right away.  This six-foot-tall, 34-year-old who was spiritual (but not religious) and perhaps wanted more children proclaimed that he was passionate about finding love, that he already had enough money, and while his work was important to him, his life was lacking that spacial someone to share it with.  He had interests, hobbies, was well-read and seemed to have a sense of humor. WOW! I was shocked, where had he been hiding all along?????

What was even more shocking was that magical Rich, with his love for love and liaise fare attitude towards a trivial little thing like money, was that HE requested communication with me! Oh happy day! I answered his questions, he answered mine.  He sent me his must haves and can’t stands, I replied in turn. Finally, we had arrived at the blessed moment of open communication.  The place where hoop jumping stopped and intimacy began.  My first inquiry in this inner circle was with regard to his children.  I told him how lovely it had been to get to know him and how I looked forward to continuing the process and asked about his kids.  Boy’s? Girls? How many? How old?  To me, this seemed logical. Not only do I currently work with kids  I like them, I would like to have my own and at this stage of my life, I’m not entirely sure I wouldn’t want to date some one who already had some.  Still, after I sent the message I felt like maybe I was out of line. Does this guy really want to e-mail with me about his children? Is that too personal at this stage? It’s certainly not a huge turn on to chit-chat about little Suzie’s soccer game and Billy’s pre-school antics.

But, oh how very right I was to ask. Shortly there after I got a response from Rich:

” My son is 21.  My daughter is 17.”… As I began to do the mental gymnastics around the math, and started to wonder if he had previously lived in a state where 14 is considered adult, I stopped and read on. . .”The age I posted on my profile reflects the age that people generally perceive me as.  I am actually between 45 and 50.”

Mother F*%$#@!!!!!

Here’s what I would have to say to Rich (were I at any point able to refrain from expletive):
When it comes to love, some think age is just a number.  Others think dating within one’s own age bracket increases the chance that they will be able to connect due to shared experience.  Some think love trumps age, others think May-December relationships are creepy etc. But I’ll tell you one thing all these people can agree on, being lied to SUCKS.

I might have gone on a date with 49-year-old Rich.  I might have thrown away my preconceived notions about age and fallen madly and passionately in love with him to the point of gladly pushing around his wheelchair in a few decades when he is 70 and I am in my 40’s.  I might have, but I sure as shit won’t now.

As my friend Jordan said so eloquently last night, “Would you drink milk two weeks after the expiration date… even if it smelled okay?” Eff no! And Rich is certainly past his posted expiration date.  Take note, online daters: When fudge your age, post photos from high school (when you should be posting photos from your 10 year reunion), claim you’re 5′10″ when you’re 5′6″, the first thing your potential mate will know about you when you come clean (or they meet you in person and see you’re wholly unrecognizable face) is that you, my friend, are a liar.

Nothin is more off-putting then some one who can’t formulate sentince, uses rong grammer or cant spell a simpul werd.

I’ve received messages from guys, looked at their profile and have literally come to the conclusion that there might be a large percentage of cognitively-challenged individuals (read: politically correct for “retarded”) trying to meet people online. Now, this might be true. But it’s more likely that the man/woman behind that horibally misspelt profile is just a bad speller, lazy, or a mixture of the two (possibly with a Forest Gump streak to boot).

Take this profile from a MN guy (we’ll call him Todd) who recently messaged my friend, Maggie.

Self Summary:
I like sports and computer games. I enjoy dancing with the right person. Once you get to know me, you’ll find I’m a pretty nice guy.am a very nice man to get a long grate with to i like to go to the movie i love my bowling camping fishing and and haveing fun to.

The First Things People Typically Notice About Me:
I am a nice man! and down to earth. i treet women repect to.

My Favorite Books, Movies, Music and Food:
I don’t read a lot. I like action movies and Italian food. hot dog.s hamberger„s

Alright, everyone. Please file this bit of information somewhere: Did you know that you can spell check profile and messages? It’s true. A misspelled will show up underlined in red in most sites. You may consult a dictionary, Google, or click on a link that says “Check Spelling” or a button with an “ABC” followed with a “check mark.”  That is the first step in making sure you don’t look like a fool.

Next, and this is huge. Ask someone you trust to read over your profile. An extra pair of eyes will help you spot any mistakes… like the difference between “to” “two” and “too.” Or the difference between “great” and “grate.” Or the difference between “treat” and “treet.” Wait. Treet… yeah… that’s just not a word.

Scrapbooking, tap dance, mountain climbing– we all got hobbies. Cool thing about online dating? Type in a few keywords and you’re magically hooked up with people into the same weird shit that you are. For example, if you’re into LARP (live action role-playing games where the participants dress like and physically act out their characters’ actions… obviously, I wikipediaed it), you could get matched up with:

Into the whole Medieval thing? These two are. Maybe they should tear apart a roasted chicken with their bare hands (whilst sipping ale from the same stein) and see where it goes.

Wait! Wait! I think I’m getting the hang of this. How about matching these two fairies. Clap if you believe!

Okay, so this one might be a stretch, but wouldn’t you want to be a fly on the wall of this date?  Love is in the air… or in the tub!

Would like to mention that our friend in the bubble bath did say that yes, he’s in the tub. Yes, he’s wearing a motorcycle helmet. Yes, that’s toast with peanut butter and chocolate chips. Yes, he was high. And yes, he did eat it and it was good.

Sigh. I heart matchmaking.