Don't Wink At Me

You stumble upon an attractive photo. You click on it. The profile makes you chuckle, and you just may be smitten. You sit down to write your future luvah a message.

One of the most stressful aspects of online dating is that initial email. You don’t know your audience. You want to be clever, but it takes so long to piece together a witty, engaging note. There is no method that will get your messages responses 100 percent of the time, but I will tell you that keeping the following guidelines in mind will help.

1. Online d8ing iz nt a txt msg & u r not a tween. Write out full words and sentences. Spell things correctly. Check your punctuation. Careless mistakes make it seem like you don’t give a damn about making a good first impression. And I think you’d have to be really good looking for an educated person to not be slightly turned off by juvenile texting lingo.

2. Save the small talk for the salon. “Hey, how are you doing today? From, Scott” Um… are you willing to wait between five and infinity days for a response? Furthermore, would you be satisfied with receiving, “Fine,” as an answer? My guess is no, but that’s all you’re asking for. You can speak to someone who is in front of your face with these simple pleasantries, but it’s just not enough for an email to someone you might like to bang.

3. Talk about your positive qualities. Saying right off the bat that you’re divorced or have had bad luck in love or really need to start working out again is a terrible sales technique. These aren’t deal-breakers for everyone, but surely you have better things to offer a potential mate. Would you even bother looking at an apartment that boasted it has no parking or included utilities? Probably not. But maybe if you knew it had a pool, gym, ass-kicker of a kitchen and was within walking distance to your favorite watering hole, you wouldn’t notice– or even care– about the negatives.

4. Show you read their profile. Did the fact that they love Devo make your heart skip a beat? Tell them. Nothing sucks more than feeling like someone cut-and-paste a generic response.

Speaking of cut-and-paste responses, my friend Liz sent me this gem from our fave website, OkCupid. This man uses the word “tryst” in his username, eagerly discusses his career as a distributor of Hungarian porn (I am NOT joking… and even if he is joking, it’s just not appropriate), and asks women to cut-and-paste this message when attempting to entice him.

Oh, and clearly, he also thinks very highly of himself and probs has a closet full of douche capes a la Jon Gosselin.

Let the ridiculousness begin:

If you can’t come up with anything interesting to write… I’ve created a handy pre-built letter down below, for your convenience. Just know that you may, or may not, lose points depending on how you use it

Hi there in-tryst-ed (clever name, by the way),

My name is [your name], and I just have to tell you that I’m incredibly happy I came across your profile. You see, I’ve been searching far and wide for a handsome, cultured, funny, intellectual man, with nice teeth, great shoes, and a marathon tongue.

I had almost given up hope. But then, just when I thought there were no truly amazing men left in this world, I saw your profile. Thank you for being such a great guy.

I’d really like to meet you for drinks on a patio, a trip to a museum, an Omni theater show, or really any of the things you like to do. I just want to make you happy.

And maybe, after we go out on our fun adventure, we can get to know each other even better (wink-wink). Well, ok, let’s face it… you’re getting lucky. You sexy devil, you!

I’ll be waiting anxiously by my mailbox for your response!

Hugs and kisses (and more kisses),
[your name]

I like how in the first paragraph he’s basically saying: Alright, ladies. Let’s see what you got. I am a prize to be won! WTF? Hello guy, what do you bring to the table? Why should I want to date a Hungarian porn distributor?  I’m confused.

Ooooh, I see now. It’s because you have a clever username that conjures images of us meeting, probably for sex. And why wouldn’t I want to meet you and your “marathon tongue.” Not only good at oral sex, but classy and modest to boot! Yes, I will definitely leave in that part about you getting lucky… I hope you think I’m good enough to bang. Will be staring at my iPhone, waiting for your approval.

I wonder if this technique has worked for our humble tryst-loving friend. Maybe I will email him and find out.