Don't Wink At Me

messagesfrommatch:

Hey how r u doin 2day?? U r so beautiful!! Whts ur name?? Well my name is amenra bt u cn call me breeze! I jus moved dwn here 2 tucson frm chicago lookin 2 meet new friends or tht special woman jus 4 me! So whn u get dis hit me bck upcuz I really like 2 get 2 knw u better beautiful

Filed Under: Can I buy a vowel?

I know this guy. He lives in my town. He dresses solely in purple, wears a women’s size 6 platform heel and answers to the name Prince. 

Our hilarious and intelligent friends at OkCupid have been doing a little research on profile photos. Specifically, what works and what doesn’t. You’ll probably be as surprised as they were (and I am) at the kinds of things that online singles nibble on (pun intended, I guess).

Apparently if you’re a man who has nice abs, you ought to show ‘em off. If you’re a chick, “MySpace” the eff out of your profile photo. Personally, I think both types of photos are utterly lame (OKC seems to be in agreement with me). But let’s not all start ripping our shirts off, gentleman (and ladies, no need to perfect your coy, self-snapped photo look). According to their research, these types of photos tend to equal more messages. Does more messages mean “meeting” more quality people? Results inconclusive.

So what do you think? Does the Myspace female photo do it for you? What about a headless horseman shot (think guy with nice abs who has cropped his head out of the photo)?

In addition to “having fun” and “hanging out with friends,” a lot of online daters “enjoy traveling” and want to find that special someone to tag along. Are you looking for a travel partner too? Here are a few singles who might take you on a one way trip to Sexyville.

“Looking for the man to earn the black belt of my heart. Let me magically whisk you away to Japan….. Japan, Iowa.”

“Join the 238,857 mile high club with me. I’ll meet you at the heart-shaped series of craters I Photoshopped in myself.”

“I’ll see you in Hell, where the only thing hotter than the clubs are my obviously digitally enhanced breastesses.”

“Here I am, just hanging out in my wobbly Italian mansion, taking a break on the grand piano. No big deal.”

“Come with me to 1989, when I co-starred in Ghostbusters 2 as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy.”

Pack your bags and hop aboard the Love Plane!

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I’m Naked Under All These Clothes…

August 2nd, 2010 — 5:50pm

About six months ago, our friends at OkCupid published some astonishing findings regarding profile pic myths. Since they covered quite a bit, let’s just focus on one. Namely, the amount of skin that’s appropriate to show. It’s not hard to believe that guys tend to dig booby photos, but I’m pretty sure the majority of the population would believe ab pics a la “The Situation” tend to be a turn off for ladies.

Well, guess what? OKC discovered that’s not case. In fact, they found that skins (as long as they’re not too flabby) meet way more chicks than shirts. However, some dudes bare their bods  a bit much for this broad. Ahem…

I think this one is clenching my heart. Or has to fart.

Check out deez pythons…

…just thinking about it puts a smile on my face.

My question: Who or what is holding that camera? Because I’m pretty sure it’s his wang.

Where my Zubaz at?

Shazam! I actually love this guy.

The ultimate TMA (aka too much abs) photo. Mango, we salute you.

I’m not sure what’s more disturbing: this man’s profile photo…

… or the fact that we’re apparently an 87 percent match.

The photo is real. Right? Or is it Photoshop job? Either way, it’s shocking, disturbing… yet totally compelling.

But wait! There’s more! If you were to click here, you may or may not end up at this man’s profile. And if you peruse that page, you may or may not notice that this man REALLY loves children. He also gets cold sores.

Um, okay. So obviously this is a fake profile….right? But wait. There’s more.

Our funeral crashing casanova links to his blog. If you click here, you may or may not end up at The Age of Rayloridan.  If you peruse that site, you will see Raylord (his nombre according to el blog) is desperately searching for love. From the man’s mouth…er…hands:

I’ve had an account with OKcupid for about a year now and I have experienced absolutely no success with either sex.  I’ve been scrutinized, labeled a pedophile,  accused of a making a false profile, but most alarming, is that I have been unsuccessful in getting a social coupon for free sex.  This is alarming to me because I’ve seen commercials and T.V. plugs swearing by the success of such sites.  You know the ones where you see happy couples conveying the utmost gratitude toward these social engines for uniting them and getting them laid.  Again, I’ve been at it for a year and with no avail.

He delves into his online dating experiences (or lack there of), perplexed as to why he can’t get a date.

So I leave it up to you D;)@Mers: Is Raylord real, and what dating advice would you like to send his way?

Personally, I think his profile is about as real as Pam Anderson’s tittays. But if it’s indeed real, I’d crop the crap out of the photos and/or start looking for a Maude to his Harold immediately.

My friend Liz is endlessly disenchanted by the Midwestern man’s profile photo. Why do you ask? Because it seems a large majority of them aren’t looking for a girlfriend, they’re lookin’ fer a huntin’ buddy.

Exhibit A:

Okay, I am so fine with hunting. If you want to go out and get yourself a buck or a turkey, I am fine with that. But do I need to see a photo of you with a dead bear carcass, hemorrhaging from the mouth? I don’t know whether to cry, barf or see what this guy’s got going on this weekend.

Exhibit B:

Is that cupid’s arrow lodged in the chest of that 8-pointer? Hubba hubba.

Exhibit C:

Ah, the classic fish photo. I would say upwards of 60 percent of men in Minnesota have one of these posted in their profile. I actually love fishing (drinkin beer and shootin the breeze… what’s not to love?). But if you’re going the fish photo option, I really hope you have also chosen to post a pic or two with you in regular clothes, not wearing a hat and sunglasses and without a fish in front of your chest. Because while a few ladies will be impressed at that northern you slayed last year at the lake, most are more interested in you than your trophy.

Exhibit D:

Eeeeeeeek!

Exhibit E:

Mashed potatoes, stuffing and cranberry sauce comin’ up!

Exhibit F:

Now here’s an odd breed: The tractor guy. I had no idea there were so many of these guys plowing the online love fields, but I’ve stumbled upon a ton of them. Maybe it’s just because I’m a city girl, but I don’t get the appeal (and I even did like that Kenny Chesney song). And even if I did get the appeal, I still am more interested in dating a man than I am a tractor…. so for God’s sake, get out of the damn thing before you take the photo.

Exhibit F, Part B:

Anyhow, this is the epidemic us ladies are facing in the Midwest. I wonder:  what sorts of photos are running rampant in other parts of the country? And guys, what photos do you wish the ladies would just get over already?

Even been in a situation where you walk away convinced, I mean 100 percent certain, that the person you just spoke to is from another planet? Or is likely missing a good portion of their brain? Of course you have, and if you’ve ever online dated, this situation happens all the time. Without further ado, one of my all-time favorite “are you effing serious?!” online dating convos.

Meet Marge. She’s 27, college educated, employed and has a nice rack (couldn’t resist).

Last December, on our favorite site OKC, she was approached by Dan… a 31-year-old Aquarius from Minneapolis who says the first thing people usually notice about him is “my hair.. which is Mozart-like..or Beetoven or one of those guys.”:

This entire thread occurred in one day, between the hours of 6:02 am and 10:37am. Keep in mind, they are strangers. This is the FIRST time either has interacted with the other person. Would like to point out that Marge couldn’t keep herself from responding (even though many people would’ve stopped the correspondence earlier); she was just too damn frustrated. I’m with ya, Marge! I couldn’t have kept those messages hanging. So it begins…

Dan:
Dec. 17, 2009 – 6:02am love your pictures… youre a member of the elks club?

Marge:
Dec. 17, 2009 – 7:10am Of course! Like most young women these days, I am, in fact, a member of the Elk’s Club.

I like that your only picture is a polaroid? Scanned in? I think generally speaking, dudes tend to have less good photos to chose from. However, at least yours features your face rather than say…your abs or bicep.

Also – you’ve got Beet Oven hair?! Interesting….what exactly is a beet oven? Or was is Beethoven you were referencing? In which case: http://rexsy.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/Beethoven.143180205_std.jpg – stunning

DW@M note: Good start… his initial message is short, sweet and kinda funny. She responds with some light, witty banter… then points out that his photo is a scanned Polaroid, and he has a typo in his profile. I personally find this information helpful. Dan’s spirit, however, is shattered:

Dan:
Dec. 17, 2009 – 8:58am umm.. im just trying to be friendly. i dont put a huge empahsis on looks. .. just trying my best on here.. i am shorter than most guys and have some disadvantages..

DW@M note: Did he really just write, “I am shorter than some guys and have some disadvantages”?! Is anyone else here inexplicably picturing a short bus?

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:18am  Sorry! I was only trying to be funny…don’t be so sensitive. If I was completely uninterested I would not have written back at all!

Lighten up a bit … no harm meant. I wasn’t saying anything negative about the polaroid thing….only that it’s notable. And it is! Is that what it is? A scanned in polaroid? You don’t see that all that often in the world of digital cameras.

AND – can’t you take a joke?! That was a funny error you made writing BEETOVEN instead of beetHoven! It’s funny. Sheesh.

Dan
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:27am in my short time on here i had one or two girls really be mean to me for no reason.

i dont have a digital camera ..but maybe Santa will bring me one.

i will take a million to one shot and ask you.. i have a movie pass for a sneak preview tonight. It’s at eden Prairie mall.. the movie “It’s Complicated” with Meryl Streep, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. if by some miracle youd be interested in going, call me .. my number is 612 XXX 0554 (dont get texts– yeah, i know, thats worse than the polaroid..i’m behind the times).

i am very kind and totally a gentleman.. youd have a good time with me.. the movie is supposed to be very funny.

DW@M note: Decent recovery, Dan. The main problem here is that he’s asking Marge out on a date 2.5 hours after he’s initially messaged her. That’s a little quick, but in my opinion, much better than not having the balls to ask at all.

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:53am My Grandmother is on Facebook. She just recently sent me an email asking me to explain what it means on Facebook when someone’s relationship status is set to “It’s complicated” … that was hard to explain.

However, considering your apparent lack of technology – perhaps you have not really discovered the world of FB yourself and are unfamiliar with the “It’s complicated” relationship status yourself…anyhow…

Can’t do it tonight. Thanks for the invite – never hurts to ask. How’d you score sneak preview tickets?

DW@M note: This is a nice, normal response, right? “Thanks, but I have plans.” Dan is bummed:

Dan
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:58am I got the passes through work.. pretty much guessed you wouldnt go.. i bet if i was handsome youd go. oh well

btw , the reason i dont have texts is i was getting bugged by some client and my cell phone provider can only block the feature, not individual numbers.

by the way… just noticed The Jerk is one of your favorite movies.. it’s actually one of mine , too. And so you must be a big Steve Martin fan. So, tonight’s movie, to which i have a pass, is a sequel to the The Jerk (lying).. but seriously, it does star Steve Martin.. It would be cool to meet up for it.. maybe this will entice you.. there are often local celebs at these movie sneak previews. Didnt you always want to see Jeff Passolt in the flesh?

DW@M note: Did he really just say “i bet if i was handsome youd go”?

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 9:56am oooh….Do you think Robin Robinson will be there?

Truth: my night is not free tonight. More important truth: I can’t say for sure…but I might be hesitant to do a 1st date, blind date, movie – after only a couple (and misunderstood to boot!) OkCupid messages. Just being honest. But like I said…doesn’t hurt to ask.

So aside from not take digital photos…what DO you do for a living/for fun/whatever you’d like to tell me about.

Dan
Dec. 17, 2009 – 10:07am the channel 9 tv studio is right near the EP mall.. so its possible and also possible MN Viking players will be there as their headquarters is there.

i’ve met women before first time for a movie… its tough being rejected.. it gets exhausting.. i know im nice and fun, but you dont. i’m tired of jumping through hoops to have platonic female friends. you can choose to believe me.. but i asked a guy out on here platonically (not for the movie , but i may have to).. he said hed meet me sometime.

its tough during the holidays not to have an active social life..i thought for a change i had something nice to offer, so that even if i wasnt your cup of tea, youd still like the movie. theres only so much i can do..

i just get tired of being recjeted and i know if i was really hot you’d put aside any what i feel are silly concerns about weird guys and safety,etc.

DW@M note:Whoa there, buddy. Is he trying to guilt her into a date? And what’s with the asking a dude out for the movie via OKC? And since when is it impossible for someone to believe that you have plans later that day? But my favorite? That Marge would meet a total stranger for a blind date at a movie if he were HOT. As if potentially getting raped and murdered by a hot guy is somehow better than getting raped and murdered by a “short, disadvantaged” one. “Silly” concerns about safety? Have you picked up a newspaper lately, Dan? Puhleeze.

Marge
Dec. 17, 2009 – 10:37am Man, you’re a tough one.

1. I’ve also met guys for the first time for a movie – not the best getting to know you environ…just sayin.

2. I wouldn’t exactly call this jumping through hoops.

3. Self loathing is pretty much THE most unattractive trait in a guy.

4. You’re right…I don’t know you’re nice and fun…and from what you’ve showed me, it seems you’re more unhappy and bummed out than nice and fun – (except that line about Jeff Passolt was pretty good, as well as the Elk’s Club reference)…you should keep up with the lighthearted stuff!

5. Despite everything…you can’t expect anyone to be available on the same day you request a ‘date’! I mean…even if it’s something that could be rescheduled you can’t expect me to drop what I’ve got going to go out with someone I’ve never met! Really! Think about it for a sec.

6. You do NOT know that if you were “hot” I would just throw safety and potentially severe awkwardness out the window because I’ve never met the person…

7. I went on a date with a guy who was 5′2″ on this site one time…and I never once took issue with your looks – you seem to be the one who thinks you’re not attractive.

DW@M: Well done, Marge! This is really where the story ends… he never wrote back, they never went out, and he’s still looking for a princess, prince, dog, cat (really anyone or anything), to accompany him and his Beet Oven hair to Eden Prairie Center.

My friend Ian passed along this gem. It’s an OkCupid email sent to his friend Gina, who is apparently “too orange and stuff” to date for real, but might be cool enough to go out with sometime. From the top…

Subject Line:  I don’t like your picture

Yeah I don’t like your picture.  It’s too orange and stuff. You should change it to something else.

You seem like a fun chick and do a good job showing your personality with your pictures but it will never work though it might be fun to talk with you anyway.  But I still don’t think it will work cause your pictures are so weird.

Let me know if you want to go out sometime.

Tim